August 30th, 2006
Editors Note: I wrote this a few weeks back, before the Skanks fiasco, but posting it then would have seemed like sour grapes, so I figured I would wait until the appropriate time….and that time is now, as my beloved Sox continue on a horrible downward spiral, and I need some cheering up… and, based on A-Rod’s sparkling 5-34 record in the last 10 days…he probably does too….
This is the most ludicrous thing EVER! Now, let me get this straight. Alex Rodriguez, the most expensive player in the game, and supposedly the best player as well, is having a difficult time of it this year. His numbers are down (although for “lesser” beings, they would be quite impressive) and he is making error left and right. And, his teammates either don’t defend him (eg: His CAPTain!) or throw him under a bus (eg: Mike Mussina)
So, of course the Skankee fans (educated and noble bunch that they are…) have been booing his crappy play…which is only leading to him being all sad and being a head case and stuff…WHATEVER…
In my travels on the WWW, I came across this website. Amazing, there are actually people who think A-Rod is GREAT….inconceivable!
And, because we here at BRT believe in helping out where we can, here is a list of suggestions to lend our support to the cause. Follow any (or what the hell, do ’em all!) and E-Rod (oops, A-ROD) will back to his old self in no time!
Special thanks to my fiance’ who helped me with the list…
9. When he arrives at the park before a game, he can be greeted and walked to the locker room by “Jingles the Clown” or any clown with a silly, cheerful name. WARNING: Rodeo Clowns should not be used–too scary for him right now. Maybe that is something he can work towards…or, if a clown is not available–Do you remember the episode of Happy Days when Fonzie met the Lone Ranger? Is he still alive? What about Tonto? What about the Indian from the Village People? Maybe one of them could fill in?
8. Get him a “woobie”! For those of you who have never seen Mr. Mom, a woobie is a blanket his child carried everywhere. I am sure we could find one with Skankee pinstripes…maybe even in that funky purple shade that matches his lipstick.
7. When he does something well, or at least doesn’t suck too badly, give him a bright and colorful balloon–but be careful to securely fasten it to his wrist, in case his fingers slip (Editors note: not like that ever happens…tehehehe… ahem…sorry….) and the balloon floats away, which could be catastrophic and lead to a downward spiral he would never recover from…
6. Get him a binky! (Or a bee-yunk as my niece used to call them) It helped calm her down–ok, I know she was 6 months old then–but it could work! Again, maybe work something out with color coordination of the woobie… Hey! He could even endorse a line of “comfort products” through Toys R Us, call them “Candy Ass” or “Big Crybaby” or Woosy” or something like that…I am sure it would make him happy to have a product line–Just like Jeter…
5. Buy him a puppy! Nothing says love and support than 3 million puppies sent to “The Stadium”.
Editor’s notes: It’s quite nauseating to type this stuff…although I really like the puppy idea…;-)
4. Another positive reinforcement idea: A chart for his refrigerator, his locker, or the back of his batting helmet. Hell, go for broke and have it on all 3! If he does something good, he gets a star – when/if he gets 5 stars, he can invite 3 friends out for ice cream or something. If he blows everyone’s doors off and gets 20 stars, he and 9 of his friends can have a pizza party. Heck you could even go completely nuts and invite the clown too and have him bring LOTS of balloons. Of course, you’d have to be sure to make the stars the same color as the helmet, because you know how King George gets cranky about that kind of stuff…
3. Remember on “The Brady Bunch” when Greg Brady met Don Drysdale and wanted to become a pitcher and Drysdale told him about the realities of baseball? Since Don died in 1993, why doesn’t someone get Barry Williams to talk to him about it? He could probably use the work…and since A-Rod life coach seems to be struggling as well…Might be a good fit…
More Editors notes: Only 2 more things….must…finish…list..ARGH!!!!!!!!!
2. Since scrapbooking has become very popular in recent years, many lovely kits are available to help put your own special touch on your memory. How about A-Rod hires a photographer to follow him around and shoot only the good things that happen! Then whenever he is sad and blue, all he has to do is reach for his faithful friend, his own highlight “reel” to get him back in the mood. All of the photos could have those nice crinkly edges on them, lending a charming, whimsical touch. And since it will be such a small book, he could add other things to it, like the first page be a clipping of the article relative to right after he signed that contract of all contracts-you know the one, where he said Jeter was unlikely to get such a salary “because he just doesn’t do the power numbers and defensively he doesn’t do all those things.” Then he continues with this gem: “He’s never had to lead. He can just go and play and have fun. He hits second -that’s totally different than third or fourth in a lineup.”
1. Friendly letters from the owners and management of the Seattle Mariners and the Texas Rangers letting him know they couldn’t have made it to that next level if it weren’t for him (leaving…ahem…sorry!). And that they are “probably pretty sure it will all work out for the best.” He could then add them to his scrapbook